Poor, poor pitiful me

It's been a hard week at work and at home.

At work, it's the end of the year and we need to use up allocated funds on reading and listening materials for adults. Some of the budget goes towards 'refreshing' our collection (replacing over-used, possibly worn copies of books or books on CD). My supervisor wants to get the rest of her 'replacement' budget spent ASAP so I have been amping up the search of popular authors titles in our catalog and setting up carts of what we need to order. It's a boring job but someone has to do it and that person has been me for a good 10 or 12 years now.This year however, she changed some of the criteria. Daily. Hourly. I have never been more confused."Replace after 25 uses", "Replace after 30 uses", "Replace after 20 uses", "Unless it's publication date is more than 6 years", "More than 10 years", "There is an 'R' in the name of the month", "The cricket chirps more than 17 times in a minute". You get the idea.

On the home front, I have been trying to clean out the basement in anticipation of some remodeling but it has been slow going. This is both frustrating and de-motivating.Now the days are getting shorter and by the time I get home from work, there isn't much time to sort through boxes of stuff with decent light. Yes, there is electricity in the basement but one bare light bulb in a 12 X 12 foot area does not good light provide. Add to that 2 children who aren't being civil to each other and you will know why I have a short fuse. The other night I exploded to the teen about the way she was treating her younger sister. In a parking lot. It was a chilly, silent drive home.

Put this all together and what happens? A pity party at which I am the guest of honor. My mind started pulling up every hurt and slight it could remember, a tape kept playing in my head telling me what a worthless creature I am and citing examples all the way back to grade school. My family and co-workers weren't reading my mind and making me feel better. It was a dark little party with seemingly no one else to talk to.It was a long party too -- 3 days of uninterrupted pitying.

As I was getting ready to go to lunch today, a co-worker said she and another co-worker were going to Starbuck's for coffee and a writing session (why wasn't I invited along?!) and would I like them to bring back something for me. I didn't really need or want anything but I automatically nodded 'yes', gave her my order and a $5 bill. An hour later they returned with my medium caramel cappuccino. I took the cup from her and it immediately warmed my hands and the smell filled my head. It was a lovely sensory moment.When my drink was about 1/2 gone, I realized that my mood was a little brighter and before I finished my drink, my supervisor dropped off some more work at my desk and thanked me for working so hard on the replacements and admitted that it had been confusing but she was glad that the 2 of us seemed to be getting it figured out and taken care of. That made me feel better too. I finished my coffee and was sad that it was all gone but that was overshadowed by the realization that I finally felt normal for the first time since Monday morning. Appreciation? Caffeine? Endorphins? Running out of pity? I'm not sure but I am glad that the week ended in a positive way.