Just after December had gotten going, my mother-in-law fell a few times getting out of bed. She ended up in a rehab unit after it was discovered that she had a crack or two in her vertebrae. No wonder she was in such pain and didn't want to move! It was also discovered that those tiny spots that had been noticed a few months earlier had quickly grown and chemo treatments commenced to treat her lung cancer.
After much arguing and verbal abuse from my father-in-law, he and his wife finally agreed to move to assisted living. My mother-in-laws 6 weeks in rehab were completed as she was not improving and so she was released the day before moving to their new apartment.With her in such pain, this seemed excessively cruel to me.
The day of the move, the kids helped pack up the things they were taking to the new place. They were ready to leave around evening rush hour, in a snowy, sleety storm. As the kids were getting their mom into the car, she exploded from both ends. The paramedics were called and she went to the hospital as her husband went to their new home. A flu bug was the cause of her distress and a few days later, my sister-in-laws husband, who had helped with the move, came down with it as did my husband and my father-in-law.
The thought was that putting them in assisted living would lighten the load for their kids but that didn't happen. Their new home was 14 miles further away for us and my younger sister-in-law. With the flu bug and the folks in separate locations, there were even more overnights to deal with.
Near the start of March, it became known that my husband's brother didn't have asthma. He had gotten worse and ended up in the hospital for about 10 days where it was discovered that he had lymphoma. It was a slow growing one we were told and they could treat it effectively. After his first treatment, it was found to be too strong for him and it set him back for a while. Weakened, he had to use a wheelchair to get around. At the same time, my father-in-law had some tests run and it was found that he had leukemia in addition to worsening kidney disease that was not responding to dialysis like it should. My mother-in-law decided to quit chemo as it wiped her out and wasn't really helping at all. All of this hit my father-in-law very hard and he made the decision to quit dialysis; this meant that he would die in about 2-3 weeks time.
The following weekend, my mother-in-law's sister and niece from Texas flew up to visit for one last time. We were all together at my in-law's apartment that Saturday afternoon. My father-in-law was talkative, my mother-in-law was quite lucid and contributed to the conversation with more than a one or two word answer. That afternoon was a great time spent with family.
On Monday, with everyone so worn out from all the running and caring for their parents, the decision was made to give notice on their apartment and have hospice take over the care. Wednesday the live-in hospice nurse started. Early Thursday morning, we got a phone call from my husbands oldest sister; the hospice nurse called and said to come quickly. My husband was the first one there even though we lived the furthest and it was morning rush hour. He said good-bye to his dad and moments later, he passed. Eventually, we all got there to pay our final respects and to find my mother-in-law laying next to her husband, holding his hand, a tear slowly trailing down her cheek. The cancer quickly spreading through her body had gone to her throat and taken away her ability to speak. She silently mourned her husband of 65 years. Three days later, she joined him in death.
Most of the family was there again but the mood was different. There was a feeling of finality, loss, and uncertainty dealt with by starting to clean out the apartment. Clothes washing, dividing up or tossing food and starting to clean up the apartment. I had made and brought over my mom's 1-2-3 hot dish but my husband and I were the only ones that are any. By mid afternoon, we were back home. Quiet, not silence, filled the house. I had no experience in what to say to comfort my husband. In my mind I questioned if I should force him to talk about it and make him cry or should I wait for him to take the lead? Instead, we talked about the usual and skirted around the obvious. He did admit that even though we knew what was going to happen, it was still hard but a lot of the emotions had been dealt with in the preceding weeks, especially when in the car, alone. At the moment there was the numbness that comes with the finality of life as you know it and stays through the beginning of how life will now be as you take it day by day, step by step.
A month later, a double funeral was held as a community of family and friends said goodbye. A few days later, my in-laws were interned at Fort Snelling under a wet, gloomy sky with a 21-gun salute and a lunch at "their VFW". Stories were told, glasses were raised to them, pull-tabs pulled, and we went our separate ways.
Sometimes I look at my husband, think of all the health problems in his family and wonder about his health. Is he worth it? Yes, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Yes.
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